The most unhappy and distressing month of my life for years, thirty one of them. Friends were here with me and we laughed and, in the laughter, I was happy. The society of women is so powerful, our experiences build walls of solidarity and island cities of comprehension, of mutual understanding. The sisterhood. I am so grateful for their gift of being.
I focus on self-preservation and the beauty of the countryside, staring at the plants, listening to their song, their willingness to grow and flourish, sometimes against all the odds, the fearlessness of things that grow, just getting on and doing it, driven by a life force unbound by our mishandled human emotion.
I watch the bats in the night sky, their ability to be as they are, swooping alone in the darkness and searching for food. Does a bat wish for a companion in the way that a woman does? Does a lady bat hang upside down on her own, longing for Mr Right Bat to show up and hang upside down next to her?
They mate, for sure, because there are always more bats 🙂 I wonder how a bat feels, how birds feel – and I come to the conclusion that their emotions have to be, in some respect, similar to our own… they seek out other bats and birds and be happy in that society, do they not ? Nothing much is as cheerful and rooted in happy bird-ness as a flock of chirping sparrows. Even those massive outbreaks of indignant sparrow-squabble are a testament to togetherness.
Some birds are solitary, as are some animals. I truly wish I could be properly happy in total solitude, I like to be alone almost the whole time – but I like someone to be within reach, in the house. Does thinking make it so? Can I think myself into a solitary existence in which I am happy and fulfilled ? Can I draw myself, depict so often my alignment with alone in order to make it so ?
I so admire those women who live entirely alone, enjoying it and creating their space, happy in their own skins, needing nobody to be there for them. I have seen them driving camper vans around, going for walks alone, going abroad alone, creating gardens. As I am alone, I lie down and think, I really intend that I shall do as well as think, preferably after…
Holy shit for a life, I am hanging upside down, waiting for the right bat……its a waste of the short time that we have here, in this body, and I know it.