This is a strange month. Very quiet, the cold weather seems to have imposed a silence on the land. First, it remained so cold that no plant was flowering and then, suddenly, the temperature went up and the plant world began to move : now, little buds are appearing and there are a few flowers on the rock plants outside my back door.
Yesterday, I was meant to have a tooth out, it was going to be difficult, very difficult, as it had, almost all of it, already fallen out. I was absolutely dreading this event whilst making an attempt to have a more more courageous emotion than dread. When it came to it, my dentist backed off, she didn’t want to remove it as not infected and too difficult. I was quite shocked at my release from this experience, it felt as though gravity had also released its hold and I was lighter than I had been.
I floated home in a state of immense relief and scanned in some old photographs of my family for a disk I am making up. There are so many photos of myself as a child, I can even remember many of them being taken. The intensity of the past was something I was unprepared to experience, to be plunged back into the times depicted and to recall how it it felt, then, to be.
Later on, I had to drive to pick Cu Sha up and the sunshine, the exact quality of the weather seemed so like the Blackpool of my childhood that I felt as if I embodied and became all of the people whose photographs I had been looking at. It was very strange, the spring sunshine was exactly as I remembered it as a child when the world was all new to me – and the season held the promise of a new warmth and possibility. That, I understood – but not how my family members were suddenly given life through my consciousness and I seemed to look at the day through the eyes of many.
It does seem to be the truth that as one gets older, the early childhood memories seem more powerful, so near, as well, giving an understanding to the inherent knowledge that time is a construct and is truly simultaneous in its nature. I close my eyes and I am totally the child that I was, looking at the world with an open mind and without the experiential overlays that age brings. Rooting in the duality of knowledge that time is all Now but that our bodies do, in fact, age and die.